The Cooper Foundation - A Safe Place for Kids and Their Families to Greive   
  
Grief Education

Forget about the "grief stages"
Some people say grief follows a linear course of sequential stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Grieving families will tell a different story. Grieving may include one, all or none of the so-called stages, and not in any particular order. Grief does not have a particular endpoint. A grieving college student described her grieving as a series of waves, some of which are big and stormy and others calm.

While you expect children to eventually return to a normal level of functioning and to enjoy life, don’t expect them to wrap up or graduate from their grief.

Make a child’s world safe for grieving.
There aren’t a lot of places where children are encouraged to talk openly about death and mourning. Sometimes, it’s up to adult caregivers: parents, relatives, teachers, friends to help children find places where it is not only permissible but also encouraged to express their grief. Children need trusted support people in their lives to turn to after a death. In addition to their parents, some may seek out a teacher, relative or family friend.

Some kids feel isolated from their friends after a death because they view themselves different from their peers. A peer support group is often an effective way of connecting grieving children with other kids their age. Others may find counseling helpful. What’s important is that the child or teen knows he or she has a least one place to feel safe with his or her grief.

Child and Teen Developmental Grief Responses
When Death Impacts Your School - Dealing with Grieving Students in Your Classroom
How to Help a Grieving Child

Child and Teen Developmental Grief Responses

Age 4 -7
Developmental State/Task
Gaining a sense of autonomy. Exploring the world outside of self. Gaining language. Fantasy wishing and thinking. Initiative phase seeing self as the initiator. Concerns of guilt.
Concept of Death
Death still seen as reversible. Personification of death. Feeling of responsibility because of wishes and thoughts. Common Statements: "It’s my fault. I was mad and wished she’d die".
Grief Response
More verbalization. Great concern with process. How? Why? Repetitive questioning. May act as through nothing has happened. General distress and confusion.
Signs of Distress
Regression: nightmares, sleeping and eating disturbed. Possible violet play. Attempts to take on role of person who died.
Positive Interventions
Symbolic play using drawings and stories. Allow and encourage expression of energy and feelings through physical outlets. Talk about it.

Age 7 -11
Developmental State/Task
Concrete thinking. Self-confidence develops. Beginning of socialization. Development of cognitive ability. Beginning of logical thinking
Concept of Death
Death seen as punishment. Fear of bodily harm and mutilation. This is a difficult transition period, still wanting to see death as reversible but beginning to see it as final.
Grief Response
Specific questions. Desire for complete details. Concerned with how others are responding. What is the right way to respond? Starting to have ability to mourn and understand mourning.
Signs of Distress
Regression; school problems, withdrawal from friends. Acting out. Sleeping and eating disturbed. Overwhelming concern with body. Death thoughts (desire to join one who died). Role confusion.
Positive Interventions
Answer questions. Encourage expression of range of feelings. Explain options and allow for choices. Be available but allow alone time. Symbolic plays. Allow for physical outlets. Listen and allow for talk about the death.

Age 11 - 18
Developmental State/Task
Formal operational problem solving. Abstract thinking. Integration of one’s own personality.
Concept of Death
A more "adult" approach. Ability to abstract. Beginning to conceptualize death. Work at making sense of teachings.
Grief Response
Extreme sadness. Denial. Regression. More often willing to talk to people outside of family and peer support. Risk taking. Traditional mourning.
Signs of Distress
Depression. Anger often towards parents. Suicidal thoughts. Non-compliance. Rejection of former teaching. Role confusion. Acting out.
Positive Interventions
Encourage verbalization. Allow for choices. Encourage self-motivation. Listen. Be available. Do not attempt to take grief away.

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When Death Impacts Your School - Dealing with Grieving Students in Your Classroom
The following steps help support the grieving students as well as prepare your class for making the grieving student feel comfortable and supported:
  1. Talk with the bereaved student before he/she returns.
    Ask him/her what they want the class to know about the death, funeral arrangements, etc. If possible, call the family prior to the student’s return to school so that you can let him/her know you are thinking of them and want to help make her return to school as supportive as possible.
  2. Talk to your class about how grief affects people and encourage them to share how they feel. One way to do this is to discuss what other types of losses or deaths the students in your class have experienced. And what helped them cope.
  3. Discuss how difficult it may be for their classmate to return to school and how they may be of help. You can ask your class for ideas about how they would like others to treat them if they were returning to school after a death, pointing out differences in preferences. Some students might like to be left alone; others want the circumstances discussed freely. Most grieving students say that they want everyone to treat them the same way that they treated them before. In general, they don’t like people being "extra nice". While students usually say they don’t want to be in the spotlight, they also don’t want people acting like nothing happened.
  4. Provide a way for your class to reach out to the grieving classmate and his or her family. One of the ways that students can reach out is by sending cards or pictures to the child and family, letting them know the class is thinking of them. If students in your class knew the person who died, they could share memories of the person.
  5. Provide flexibility and support to your grieving student upon his or her return to class. Recognize that your student will have difficulty concentrating and focusing on schoolwork. Allow the bereaved student to leave the class when she needs some quiet or alone time. Make sure that the student has a person available to talk with, such as a school counselor.

DO’s and DON’Ts with Grieving Students
  • DO listen. Grieving students need a safe, trusted adult who will listen to them.
  • DO follow routines. Routines provide a sense of safety, which is very comforting to the grieving student.
  • DO set limits. Just because students are grieving, doesn’t mean that the rules do not apply. When grieving, students may experience lapses in concentration or exhibit risk-taking behavior. Setting clear limits provide a more secure and safer environment for everyone under these circumstances.
  • DO NOT suggest that the student has grieved long enough.
  • DO NOT indicate that the student should get over it and move on.
  • DO NOT act as if nothing has happened.
  • DO NOT expect the student to complete all assignments on a timely basis.
  • DO NOT say things like:
    • "It could be worse, You still have one brother"
    • "I know how you feel"
    • "You’ll be stronger because of this"

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How to Help a Grieving Child
Answer the questions they ask-Even the hard ones.
Give the child choices, whenever possible.
Talk about and remember the person who died.
Respect differences in grieving styles-forget the "stages".
Encourage consistency and routines
Listen without judgment.
Expect and allow all kinds of emotions: shock, sad, numb, mad, glad….
Make the child’s world safe for grieving
Don’t force children to talk – get the crayons, pens, paint and paper out
Find ways to release energy and emotions; run, jump, play
Be a model of good grief
Hug with permission
Practice patience
Set limits and rules and enforce them
Support children even when they are in a bad mood
Expect some kids to act younger than their age – expect some to become little adults
Encourage kids to eat right and drink lots of water – help at bedtimes, sleep may be hard
Inform the child’s teacher about the death
Resist being overprotective
Remember special days that impact the child-set aside time to remember the person that died.

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* Information provided by The Dougy Center in Portland, Oregon
  
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