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Grief Education
Forget about the "grief stages"Some people say grief follows a linear course of sequential stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Grieving families will tell a different story. Grieving may include one, all or none of the so-called stages, and not in any particular order. Grief does not have a particular endpoint. A grieving college student described her grieving as a series of waves, some of which are big and stormy and others calm. While you expect children to eventually return to a normal level of functioning and to enjoy life, don’t expect them to wrap up or graduate from their grief. Make a child’s world safe for grieving. There aren’t a lot of places where children are encouraged to talk openly about death and mourning. Sometimes, it’s up to adult caregivers: parents, relatives, teachers, friends to help children find places where it is not only permissible but also encouraged to express their grief. Children need trusted support people in their lives to turn to after a death. In addition to their parents, some may seek out a teacher, relative or family friend. Some kids feel isolated from their friends after a death because they view themselves different from their peers. A peer support group is often an effective way of connecting grieving children with other kids their age. Others may find counseling helpful. What’s important is that the child or teen knows he or she has a least one place to feel safe with his or her grief. Child and Teen Developmental Grief Responses When Death Impacts Your School - Dealing with Grieving Students in Your Classroom How to Help a Grieving Child Child and Teen Developmental Grief Responses Age 4 -7 Developmental State/Task Gaining a sense of autonomy. Exploring the world outside of self. Gaining language. Fantasy wishing and thinking. Initiative phase seeing self as the initiator. Concerns of guilt. Concept of Death Death still seen as reversible. Personification of death. Feeling of responsibility because of wishes and thoughts. Common Statements: "It’s my fault. I was mad and wished she’d die". Grief Response More verbalization. Great concern with process. How? Why? Repetitive questioning. May act as through nothing has happened. General distress and confusion. Signs of Distress Regression: nightmares, sleeping and eating disturbed. Possible violet play. Attempts to take on role of person who died. Positive Interventions Symbolic play using drawings and stories. Allow and encourage expression of energy and feelings through physical outlets. Talk about it. Age 7 -11 Developmental State/Task Concrete thinking. Self-confidence develops. Beginning of socialization. Development of cognitive ability. Beginning of logical thinking Concept of Death Death seen as punishment. Fear of bodily harm and mutilation. This is a difficult transition period, still wanting to see death as reversible but beginning to see it as final. Grief Response Specific questions. Desire for complete details. Concerned with how others are responding. What is the right way to respond? Starting to have ability to mourn and understand mourning. Signs of Distress Regression; school problems, withdrawal from friends. Acting out. Sleeping and eating disturbed. Overwhelming concern with body. Death thoughts (desire to join one who died). Role confusion. Positive Interventions Answer questions. Encourage expression of range of feelings. Explain options and allow for choices. Be available but allow alone time. Symbolic plays. Allow for physical outlets. Listen and allow for talk about the death. Age 11 - 18 Developmental State/Task Formal operational problem solving. Abstract thinking. Integration of one’s own personality. Concept of Death A more "adult" approach. Ability to abstract. Beginning to conceptualize death. Work at making sense of teachings. Grief Response Extreme sadness. Denial. Regression. More often willing to talk to people outside of family and peer support. Risk taking. Traditional mourning. Signs of Distress Depression. Anger often towards parents. Suicidal thoughts. Non-compliance. Rejection of former teaching. Role confusion. Acting out. Positive Interventions Encourage verbalization. Allow for choices. Encourage self-motivation. Listen. Be available. Do not attempt to take grief away. When Death Impacts Your School - Dealing with Grieving Students in Your Classroom The following steps help support the grieving students as well as prepare your class for making the grieving student feel comfortable and supported:
DO’s and DON’Ts with Grieving Students
How to Help a Grieving Child Answer the questions they ask-Even the hard ones. Give the child choices, whenever possible. Talk about and remember the person who died. Respect differences in grieving styles-forget the "stages". Encourage consistency and routines Listen without judgment. Expect and allow all kinds of emotions: shock, sad, numb, mad, glad…. Make the child’s world safe for grieving Don’t force children to talk – get the crayons, pens, paint and paper out Find ways to release energy and emotions; run, jump, play Be a model of good grief Hug with permission Practice patience Set limits and rules and enforce them Support children even when they are in a bad mood Expect some kids to act younger than their age – expect some to become little adults Encourage kids to eat right and drink lots of water – help at bedtimes, sleep may be hard Inform the child’s teacher about the death Resist being overprotective Remember special days that impact the child-set aside time to remember the person that died. * Information provided by The Dougy Center in Portland, Oregon |
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